The Fool is calling

I mentioned in a previous post (The transition is not smooth) how I’d been feeling the pull of ‘something’. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It was calling me none-the-less. That feeling has intensified, there’s an internal bubbling that is unsettling and urgent. The Fool is calling me onward

See the Fool there all ready to jump, a bag full of belongings and a doggy familiar to help guide. Full of innocence and expectation, confident that the leap will be held and supported. We have many instances when the Fool shows up in our lives, the Fools Journey is not linear and also not a one shot thing. I have had Fools journeys that brought joy and clarity but others that brought pain, my latest Fools journey when I stepped off the cliff into the abyss of Shadow brought me to fully embodying The Hermit. I adore The Hermit, I have gained peace and wisdom from them, I have also found that my place in this world is alone but not lonely.

Every Hermit must at times step back out into the world and this is when The Fool begins to call. This time though my Fool is an older, wiser one, one who knows that sometimes you have to look over the cliff edge before you step off it. Where my baggage has been thoroughly sorted and I only pack and carry what nurtures me.

I have been healing for ten years, ten whole years! Recovery is not quick despite what we are told. I have taken the time I have needed to grow my scar tissue. Some of the things that I have been doing in this period to help me, now feel like they no longer serve me. This is where things become scary. I don’t know what to step into. My downtime has been spent following threads of interest, things that in the grind of the ‘real world’ I could never have persued. I’ve learnt about herbalism, psychology, horticulture, garden design, celebrancy, Druidry, death work, tarot, grief counselling and horticultural therapy. I’ve wandered the woods searching for the ‘Other’ and spoken to trees and ancient stones (yes they do speak back). I’ve found good medicine in the energy of the sea and the wind. I’ve stepped beyond what is ‘normal’ into the supernatural and found a big whole wide world of things beyond our realm. A Jack of all trades. My curiosity never ending. A depth and breadth of stuff, some of which is seen as frivolous or weird by a tired and overworked populace who no longer look for magic.

The problem is, what on earth do I DO with all of this? How do I show up in the world again? What cliff do I jump off? My Hermit self is not au fait with the ways of society, I don’t like grind culture, I refuse to become part of that again. How do I meld the peace of The Hermit with the desire of The Fool? I don’t think I’ve ever really known what I wanted ‘to be’ and I’m certainly no clearer now.

It is also hard to find a way when everything seems so fractured, is it not just easier to stay hidden in the woods? In truth, I’m not entirely sure I’m made for these times. I want a life of wonderment and creativity and freedom but everything just feels so squeezed and tight at the moment. Or is now the perfect time to find and inject wonderment, creativity and freedom, just when we need it the most?

I have no answers, I’m hoping they come, until then I’m sitting in the liminal, uncomfortable ‘not-quite-there but I need to leap’ space and maybe The Hermit will become The Fool (with ample Hermit-ing time) once again.